Is All End
February 6th, 2010There is a story and legacy to share. Time passes so fast. Is almost 1 year. Last year around this time I get to know her. She my 2nd lover ever in my life. Many will not belief if they were to know until today Shen Yee Aun got 2 gf only. Everything remain as history and memories for now.
There no more her to talk to me every night before I sleep. There no more her to sms with her daily. There no more her for me to complaint and share my things or news anymore.There no her to sing song to me anymore. I miss it so much.
I will never forget how cute she use to be. Boy say yeah , ban yeah , lok yeah ? Looking back all those picture she send to me. Looking back at those video she send to me. She is very loving.
When I am sick there is always her to calm me although she is far away. Lately when I am sick alone in a big condo. Yes. So what? At the age of 22 I manage to buy a whole condominium by myself but I am living alone. There nobody could share part of my life. Just 3 weeks back I fall sick badly. I vomit badly. I got nobody to call because it was midnight. I also do not want to trouble my parents as they stay in Klang.
The nearest person in my life at that time that I could think of is my debate coach buy I do not want to trouble him. He is also far away and he also will be working the next day.
I got no medicine with me. I just do not know what to do. I can just lye down on bed and go to toilet to vomit whenever I can. At that time I wanted so much to call her. SMS her. But I do not want her to misunderstand again that when I got problems only I find her. But the truth is she is so important to me that I wanted to share my problems with her. Although most of my problems she cant solve or give me any good advice because those problems I face is way too complicated but got her to pujuk me like a baby and be there to listen or there to share the emotion as she use to be it already can cheer me up.
But in the morning I do not know why I take the risk. I sms her and she reply. I am actually taking the risk because I know she will never pick up. Or she will reply very cruely. or she just wont entertain me. or she will say she is sleeping or she will say she is headche. That morning she did reply me. Just a few SMS I feel so much better and fall asleep after that. I could not sleep the whole night. But then after that she do not bother me the whole day anymore.
I will never forget the moment we spend in Sabah together. From the way she walk out from teksi with her purple single and yellow short pants , the moment on the way to my hotel and the moment we reach the hotel. Even those food we eat in Penang Restaurant , Western Restaurant and even Apple Dougnut. I will never forget how she wake me up 2nd day by knocking my door. I could never forget the last moment before she is going back from the hotel until she took the taxi. I will never forget our tears.
Things change. She no longer loving me. No longer willing to give us a chance. No longer care about me. No longer bother or worry about me.
I will never forget how she always call me boy. the voice. the intonation. she is always cute.
Suddenly one day she was telling me that her ex want her back. I was so upset that I did no bother her for 1 week. After that on and off our relationship become worst and I got a shock just after not long we fought she couple back with her ex. So fast her heart changes. So fast she make her decision.
For a 100 reasons she could say how bad her ex is. How bad her ex treat her and all but just a while they r back together although she knew it he wanted her just for what reason.
I tell myself that from that day onwards I do not want to find her again. I hate her. Sometimes hate is love. But many times I fail to control myself. That why on and off I am cool mix with care towards her. I am confuse.
But few days back she really hurt me. She became a person that I dont use to know. I was worry about her eyes. I was worry about her headche problem. I miss her voice so much. Even if she scold me in the phone I will be happy. I call her. She do not pick up. I went to sleep. Suddenly in the midnight I was awake. I miss call her. 2 hours after that she sms and scolded me badly that I disturb her sleep.
I was very sad. Very hurtful. She never say those word to me before. She never treat me like that before. It matter a lot to me because she is somebody that is very important in my life. Last time I like to disturb her in the midnight wake up gal wake up gal. She will say boy you are cute. Or even when she headche I will say gal dont talk d k? she say nvm. I will use loudspeaker. I miss you. Now ? Is just so different.
She even reply her last message delete my number and never find me again.
I had never betray this relationship. I had no affair with anybody. I had not done anything wrong in this relationship. Our only problem is because we got a lot of misunderstanding , personality clash and quarell a lot. Or worst is I like to use a lot of sharp words in my status that she hate it most.
I do not know why I deserve to be punish in this way. Even to her 2nd ex that always call and fuck her at least she will pick up the call. Even to her current bf that last time she hate also she will answer the call and reply nicely. Even to those admirer that she hate or dont like she will never say those word or treat them like how she treated me.
I am so hurt. Yet I do not know why. Maybe she mean a lot to me. Maybe I love her too much . Maybe I still cannot let go out past. Maybe she the 1st person I had my 1st time and 1st person who I gave myself totally. Not even to my 1st ex.
I miss her. I was waiting day and night. Even a simple sms with 1 word like boy would cheer up my day. I cry a lot for her. I was trying to cheat and lie to myself. Making myself busy.
Now she no longer love me. Not even like or care.
I miss her voice so much ! I miss her picture. Smsing with her. being chilidish with her. Joke with her.
I cant wake up and sms gal I wake up d. I cant say good morning. I cant call and ask her gal today what you eat? What you eat for lunch? Enough money? How r u? gal sing song to me. gal kiss me in the phone.
I cant ask her gal how is your headche?
I cant longer say good night gal. cover well. sleep well. sweet dreams.
During weekend I cant wait for her to come back from shopping. Ask her wat she wear on that day.
Is all gone. Is all memories. TIME PASSES SO FAST !
Many of my friends was telling me Shen you deserve a better one. Shen not worth it. She there is many good one around.
I lost. I lost to a guy who had betray , cheated and exploit her. A guy who treat her cooly. A guy that dont really care. Dont really call or sms much with her. Dont really bother her. A guy who just once in a while he is free he will fly there and wanted something from her that it. A guy that is way older and uglier than me.
So what if I own a house and a car at the age of 22. So what if I owns a company. So what if I am a National Debater. So what if I am a well known politician and writter. So what if I am this and that.
I lost !
But I dont even care now who win or who lose but I do not know why. Why ?
We cant even end up in a nice way? I just wanted to be her best friend. Support her and be at her side. I do not plan to chase after her , win back her or seperate her and her current lover.
But I try many times. I sms she always reply cruely. I call she will always act as if there is no battery , outside , busy , sleeping or headche.
I knew she do not view this blog. She do not visit this blog because she will never know that I will write all this thing. Maybe she dont even know I own this blog.
Valentine Day is coming. I was happily thinking wanted to buy her something but her last few SMS really hurts me. Tame me down.
My 1st love takes me 1 and half year to get over it. This love currently almost 5 months already. I do not know when I will totally let go.
I am still waiting. She promise me boy this year I will come over around June. Be my assistance. Help me. Help my mum. I had silently plan so many things for her when she comes here but she no longer will come here. Even if she do is also for her current boyfriend.
I will never have the chance to see her again although March maybe I will fly to sabah. Universiti of Sabah for debate. 25 minutes from her house. 5 minutes from 1 borneo mall. But I dont think so she will be there to support me.
Last time before every debate she will wish me luck ! Even last year when I went to Sarawak for debate when I just arrive in the airport she call me and say she miss me !
Crying badly when I blog this post. Maybe for a long time I dint cry anymore or maybe for a long time I try to hide my feelings. Act to be strong. Cheat and lie to myself. Last time I like to share my things and emotions with everybody but now I just act so cool so strong so tough yet is just another weak baby deep inside me.
I could only pray from far. Whenever I wake up. Whenever I sleep. She will be healthy. Happy always. May god be there to bless her and may all the reader here who read it help me to pray and bless her.
Sometimes I am confuse. I am angry. I hate her. I cant forget and forgive what she had say and done. But many times I miss her badly. Care worry and concern of her badly.
My 1st relationship 4 years. 2nd few months !
But I know I need to buck up . My juniors debater , coach and team need me to be at my best to win more glory. My students need me there to guide them. My business partner need me to grow the business. My book publisher is still waiting for my book to be publish. My political friends , fans and supporter still waiting for me to go back to politics.My family especially my mother still waiting for me to graduate. Few others friend still waiting for me to do business with them.
I cannot afford to fall. I need to be strong.
Now at this time which is already 5.30 am smoking while typing in my own condo which is the highest floor. Looking down at last year how I earn 5 digit figure every month while I am still studying. How I gain my 1st Volkswagen. How I own this condo. How I being a director for a company. How I enter final in National Debate Competition. How I help 2 models to become broadwalk modelling finalist and 1 of the is the 1st runner up. How I help my University candidate to win in the election. How I am being the youngest politician to rise in power to be branch , division and national secretary in less than 5 months. How many girls I had rejected. How I help all my students to score in exam. How I help my junior to improve tremendously in debate and now is better than me. How I fly to almost every part of Malaysia in 1 year. Sabah , Kelantan , Perak , Johor , Sarawak , Selangor , Kuala Lumpur , Perlis , Kedah dan Pulau Pinang. How 1 of Malaysia Malay largest book publisher allow me to produce book for them ( still not yet complete the manuscript ). How I gave political speech and people cheer, shout and came forward to me. How I help Suki Low Sook Yee the Malaysia 1st 1 in a Million winner to win. How I help Ronnie Liu that lost in 2 election to win in Pandamran.How I was being the youngest writter for DAP Rocket newspaper columinst.
How many VVIP that I can to know. Mostly are the top politician in the country. Many are MP and YB. How I get to know few Tan Sri , Dato and certain public figure. Millionaire businessman and etc etc.
BUT NOTHING COULD BE THE BEST GIFT AND THE BEST SUCCESS OF BEING COUPLE WITH MY 2ND EX ! NOTHING !
THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY LOVE. There are times where I wanted to say gal I am sorry. Let us forget everything. Give us a chance and start everything all over again but I know even if I say that I will end up hurting myself.
Coming monday will be another historical part of my life to being the 1st Chinese to enter a National Islamic Debate. There no more her to say good luck. To say boy dont ego ar. Boy dont over confidence.
I am getting old. Very old. Most of my students guess that I am almost at the age of 40 while I am just going to be 23 this year. I just looks so old lately. There are no more words that I use to hear while I was much younger. Words like you got a big eyes , attractive or seducing eyes. U looks young. u r cute. u r good looking. your skin is very good. you got a baby face. you are fair. you are handsome. what I use to hear now. You looks old. You got lots of admirer. You looks tired. You got a panda eyes. And even today my student told me teacher you got wrinkle d in your forehead. My parents even say you got some white hair d but is hidden. You got lots of enemies. You look pale. You look down. You look weak. You look sick.
My lifestyle is even older. I dont club. I dont flirt. I dont go out. I dont yam cha. I dont enjoy or have fun out there. I am just living a life of an old man. I just know how to earn money , teach , study , debate , write , do business , attend meeting , go for debate practise and that it. That my life.
I almost forget how wild I use to be. Flirt around. Sociliaze. Dance. Lots lots of activites. vacation. movie . trip.
I use to be very vain. very very vain. use facial products. go for facial. shop for the best cloth. groom and style myself nicely. take me hours to prepare myself before i go out. went for spa. drink lots of water. and etc etc
Nowadays? I never even bother. A slipper , a long slake and any simple random polo tee and I am out. Simply spray any perfume. Many times without even shaving. I use to be very particular about cloth and I will design a own concept of my dressing for each year
And this year when I am officially do not need my parents to buy me any new year cloth I almost do not know how to shop. I was suppose to shop when my mother ask me to get some cloth. End up I am in bookstore shopping for both instead of cloth.
Then when I go back to Klang I simply accompany my parents to shopping and get 12 cloth in less than 15 minutes. Slot my credit card and that it. Last time it took me hours days and weeks to choose even 1 cloth.
Things change. but looking back at my age I am suppose to be very young. Just going to be 23. Maybe many years back I use to hang out with lots of gals. Know lots lots lots of gal. But lately no. Get to know a few but that also hardly hanging out. But each time meet any male friends shen intro some chicks to me?
I said I do not know any. Ppl just reply u r just keeping for yourself. Hmmm…
Well. Feel so relief when I release all my emotion and thoughts here.
For those who use to look high upon me now plz dont. I no longer capable to help or guide you guys in anything
IN CONCLUSION I AM JUST A LOVE FAILURE !
